Η ξανθιά παραγγέλνει καφέ. Η σερβιτόρα φέρνει τον καφέ.
Ξανθιά:
– Συγνώμη, αλλά αυτός ο καφές μυρίζει όπως ένα πέος … Ντροπή σας!
Η σερβιτόρα κοκκινίζει, αρπάζει τον καφέ και πάει στον μπάρμαν:
– Η ξανθιά είπε ότι ο καφές μυρίζει σαν πέος …
Ο Μπάρμαν εξετάζει καλά το ποτήρι, το μυρίζει και της λέει:
– Πες της ξανθιάς, σε παρακαλώ, να τον πιει με το άλλο χέρι…
Ένας άντρας πλησιάζει μια πανέμορφη γυναίκα σε ένα σουπερμαρκετ και της λέει:
– Έχασα τη γυναίκα μου μέσα στο σουπερμαρκετ. Μπορείς να μιλήσεις μαζί μου για λίγο;
Η γυναίκα τον κοιτάει παραξενεμένη και ρωτάει:
– Και γιατί να μιλήσω μαζί σου;
Ο άντρας απαντάει:
– Γιατί κάθε φορά που μιλάω με μια γυναίκα ψιλή, ξανθιά, πανέμορφη, με μεγάλο στήθος, η γυναίκα μου εμφανίζεται ξαφνικά από το πουθενά…!
January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight…
February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels… Helllloooo!!!… Bottle won’t fit in printer!!!
March
Got really excited… Finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months… Box said ‘2-4 years!’
April
Trapped on escalator for hours… Power went out!!!
May
Tried to make Kool-Aid…. Wrong instructions… 8 cups of water won’t fit into those little packets!!!
June
Tried to go water skiing… Couldn’t find a lake with a slope.
July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition… Learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm… Car flooded because soft-top was open.
September
The capital of California is ‘C’… isn’t it???
October
Hate M & M’s… They are so hard to peel.
November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days… Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!
December
Couldn’t call 911… ‘duh’… there’s no ‘eleven’ button on the stupid phone!!!
Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10 pm news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said,
– “Do you think he’ll jump?”
Bob said,
– “You know, I bet he’ll jump.”
The blonde replied,
– “Well, I bet he won’t.”
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said,
– “You’re on!”
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying,
– “Fair’s fair. Here’s your money.”
Bob replied,
– “I can’t take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 pm news, and so I knew he would jump.”
The blonde replied,
– “I did too, but didn’t think he’d do it again.”
Bob took the money…
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her,
– ‘Is something wrong?’ To which she replied,
– ‘There certainly is!’ My stupid computer keeps saying, ‘YOU’VE GOT MAIL!’