Wife:
– Let’s go out and have some fun tonight.
Husband:
– Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
Category Archives: Marriage
Portait
A clever elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted, so she told the artist:
– “Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, an emerald bracelet, and a gold Rolex.”
– “But you’re not wearing any of those things!” the artist pointed out.
– “I know,” she said. “It’s in case I die before my husband. If he remarries right away, I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry.”
A man complaining to a friend
– “I had it all; money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman … then … pow! … it was all gone!”
– “What happened?” asked the friend.
– “Awww, my wife found out.”
Betty and Tim in heaven
Betty and Tim die in a car accident on the eve of their wedding.
In Heaven, they ask St. Peter if they can still be married.
“Well, let me find out if this is possible. Stay here and I will be right back.”
Six months pass and Peter returns. “Yes, we can do this for you.”
The couple asks, “Well, as we have spent so much time together waiting for your answer, we need to know that if things don’t work out, is there a possibility that we can be divorced?”
To which St. Peter answers, “It took me six months to find a priest up here — how long do you think it will take me to find a lawyer?”
How to obtain golfing permission
Four married guys go golfing. During the 4th hole the following conversation took place:
First Guy:
– “You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.”
Second Guy:
– “That’s nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.”
Third Guy:
– “Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the
kitchen for her.”
They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him:
– “You haven’t said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What’s the deal?”
Fourth Guy:
– “I just set my alarm for 5:30am. When it goes off, I shut off my alarm, give the wife a nudge and say, ‘Golf course or intercourse?’ and she says, ‘Wear your sweater.'”
Wishing well
A couple came upon a wishing well.
The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.
The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.
The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled “It really works!”
My last fight with my wife
My wife walked into the den & asked “What’s on the TV?”
I replied
– “Dust”.
And that’s how the fight started…..
Anniversary trip
I asked my wife, ‘Where do you want to go for our anniversary?’ It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
– ‘Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!’ she said.
So I suggested,
– ‘How about the kitchen?’
And that’s when the fight started….
Steak medium rare please
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
– ‘I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.’
He said,
– ‘Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?’
– ‘Nah, she can order for herself.’
And that’s when the fight started…..
Barbie deal
A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter’s birthday and he hadn’t bought her a present.
He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager:
– How much is that new Barbie in the window?
The Manager replied:
– Which one? We have:
- Barbie goes to the gym for $19.95
- Barbie goes to the Ball for $19.95
- Barbie goes shopping’ for $19.95
- Barbie goes to the beach for $19.95
- Barbie goes to the nightclub for $19.95 and
- Divorced Barbie for $375.00
– Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00 when all the others are $19.95?, the father asked.
The store manager replied:
– Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s car, Ken’s house, Ken’s boat, Ken’s dog, Ken’s cat, Ken’s furniture and all of Ken’s savings.