Category Archives: English
Nutrition and health
It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you!!!
My last fight with my wife
My wife walked into the den & asked “What’s on the TV?”
I replied
– “Dust”.
And that’s how the fight started…..
Recently I received a parrot as a gift
Recently I received a parrot as a gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. I tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else I could think of to”clean up” the bird’s vocabulary.
Finally, I was fed up and I yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back.
I shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude.
So, in desperation, I threw up my hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that I’d hurt the parrot, I quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto my outstretched arms and said:
-“I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.”
I was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. As I was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued,
– “May I ask what the turkey did?”
What did the adding machine say to the cashier?
Q: What did the adding machine say to the cashier?
A: You can count on me.
Anniversary trip
I asked my wife, ‘Where do you want to go for our anniversary?’ It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
– ‘Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!’ she said.
So I suggested,
– ‘How about the kitchen?’
And that’s when the fight started….
Steak medium rare please
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
– ‘I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.’
He said,
– ‘Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?’
– ‘Nah, she can order for herself.’
And that’s when the fight started…..
How do you make antifreeze?
Q: How do you make antifreeze?
A: You steal her blanket.
Bob and the Blonde
Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10 pm news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said,
– “Do you think he’ll jump?”
Bob said,
– “You know, I bet he’ll jump.”
The blonde replied,
– “Well, I bet he won’t.”
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said,
– “You’re on!”
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying,
– “Fair’s fair. Here’s your money.”
Bob replied,
– “I can’t take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 pm news, and so I knew he would jump.”
The blonde replied,
– “I did too, but didn’t think he’d do it again.”
Bob took the money…
Why did the Vampire subscribe to USA Today?
Why did the Vampire subscribe to USA Today?
– He heard it had great circulation.